I just don’t want to sleep

My mother never gave me a bedtime, so it’s ironic now that I push back at the mere idea of sleeping. Staying up past midnight was always allowed. But I just don’t wanna.

The main reason, of course, is the nightmares and bad dreams. A secondary reason is that I feel like I could be doing something. Not in terms of paid labor, but I could be reading a book or painting or learning a new language. But because I often sleep badly, I’m often too tired to actually do anything. I don’t want to go to sleep because I’ve wasted the day.

These days, I get home from work and I’m just supposed to be awake all afternoon, instead of napping. But instead of excitement that I finally have time, I just feel overwhelmed. Now the pressure is too high. I had reasons for being a disappointment, and now I don’t. If I’m a failure it really is my own fault. Cool.

My sleep therapist didn’t provide an official diagnosis but does think I have Circadian Rhythm Disorder. I genuinely do feel most alert in the evenings. Eleven o’clock and I’m ready to go! In the Olden Days I could have been a guard on night shift. But it’s not the Olden Days.

The first half of my life, it was a fight to get to sleep because of nightmares. The second half will be a fight because I want to be awake at night in a world built for daytime.